April 30, 2015

Thesis Development

In the first semester of college, my writing style has changed tremendously. Throughout the first semester in ERH 101 I thought that my writing was strong, but had mistakes that needed to be addressed. As I transitioned from a high school to college, one of the problems that I had was the lack of the argument made through the thesis development. They were the typical mistakes that most high student make as they transition into the first year of college. I admit that my writing had a rough start to this semester, but my portfolio shows how far I have come through my first year of college. In ERH 101 I was not as strong of a writer as I am now in ERH 102. As you can see from my final argumentative essay, to my final paper on moral education, I ran into many roadblocks when trying to incorporate my understanding of the topics that were presented. Over the course of the semester I was able to expand my views, and ask for help. The main problem is the thesis development, and connecting the thesis development into the audience I am addressing.

When going back and reviewing my work from this semester for ERH 102, I noticed that my ability to write has been making significant improvements. The first thing I noticed was that I had no definite thesis in any of my essays when I first started writing, which means that I have no argument present in the thesis statement. I do not make a direct thesis statement, for example: “Making the assumption through this article is that technology is the corruption of the new generation; through the article it is supported by evidence that she has logical belief to estimate that technology is corrupting today’s youth”. (Technology Good or Bad). I am stating a point, not making a statement to support the rest of my argument throughout the whole paper. I had little to no organizational skill; I had a habit of repeating myself, and failed to address counterarguments while leaping to conclusions. For example, my first draft of my moral education paper attempted to organize my paragraphs, but I did not order them according to my thesis, which led to the essay feeling jumbled, rushed, and scattered. For example; “Good and bad moral education reaches each end of the spectrum; therefore moral education should be implemented in the public education system as a tool for students to learn and discern the uses of morality as it relates to society, family and themselves as individuals.” (Moral Education). This thesis is much more integrated, and helps with identifying the topics that are later discussed in the essay.

As the semester went on, I began to see that my meetings with the writing center, my professor, and listening to the constructive criticism of my peers to adjust my writing to show a stronger standpoint. I started to notice the small mistakes that I had a habit of making, and learned that sometimes I would need to start again from scratch. Through the development of my papers I was allowing myself to take a stand and understand that you must have strong background knowledge on the subject. At the beginning of the semester, I would often fill sentences with “fluff”, trying to add to my word count. Sometimes fluff can sound broad and off topic like demonstrated in this quote, “Moral education demonstrates the values that the student or the child has grown up with”(Moral Education). This sentence only gives a general idea of the topic, instead of stating the point clear and concisely. By only giving a general idea of the topic, the sentence left the audience questioning was going on.

In contrast to my revised final draft thesis shown here “With the arguments the sources are making, we are able to understand why they want to integrate moral lessons in the everyday teachings, even if it is subtle” (Moral Education). It shows validation in my thesis statement or where my standpoint is coming from. While critics reviewed my paper by reading it aloud, I saw that the thesis guides the whole paper in the direction I wanted. Being clear and concise is the key to a strong paper over all, not just in your introduction or conclusion. If you are able to establish a relationship, a connection with the audience and personal statement, then you have successfully created a thesis statement. Instead of a blank slate, ideas begin to form, and opinions are made. This leads your audience leaving with a view different than when they began reading. You must make the audience believe in what you are writing, allowing them to believe in the point you are presenting. In the beginning I was unable to do that, not allowing myself to engage with the audience as much as a writer should. This includes not generating a well thought out thesis that would grab the audience’s attention.

I was told by my professor, and the writing center to integrate personal values or experiences into the essay, to grab the audience’s attention and develop the audience’s interest. A strong personal thesis will help you gain the side of the audience in which you are writing to. When the audience has seen my personal experiences with the subject, they are more likely to side with my argument due to my personal interactions with the subject. With the first few sentences not being strong you are setting yourself to lose the audiences attention. I was nervous about incorporating my personal expenses into the essays, afraid of being judged by my audience. I wanted to demonstrate my personal knowledge on the subject of Moral Education. An example of me doing this is “My personal experience of a Catholic based private education drives my opinion that inclusion of moral education is necessary in any school system. I can compare the experience of preschool to eighth grade catholic education to my public high school experience in which moral education was not required or an option.” (Moral Education). By improving this, my audience is more able to relate to the essay, and is more likely to adopt my stance on the subject. I was able to make more of a connection to strengthen my argument towards integrating moral education to the public school system. With addressing my personal experience I was able to make more of a viable standpoint in my final draft of Moral Education. By connecting this to myself I demonstrated that I knew the knowledge on the subject. Through this semester we were taught to grab the audiences attention whether it be by an attention grabber in the first sentence or when we use personal experience. It was hard to incorporate personal connection into a paper, but once I was able to do that I could draw a closer connection and advance my argument further then if I had not done that.

By changing my thesis development, and allowing the thesis to connect with the audience and the paper as a whole, my writing has improved dramatically compared to when I began this course. While I still have many bad habits to break, and many new tendencies to acquire, I have begun to write in a more organized, organized professional way. I was able to include personal experiences into my thesis, which grabbed the audience attention and made my argument more credible to the reader. I still have issues developing a well thought out thesis however I have begun to grow as a writer. I can now draw the audience’s attention through a strong, integrated, and personal thesis.