As a child, somewhere along the way I learned that “gender” was a way to refer to “sex” without saying a word that would make myself and my peers giggle. In adolescence, they meant the same thing: whether a person was a boy or a girl. I maintained this understanding for years without questioning it, and it wasn’t until late high school when I entered into a relationship with a transgender young man. Luckily, I was not blamed for this small bit of ignorance and was educated with patience.
After discussion and my own research, I believe I’ve reached a fair understanding of the difference between sex and gender. Sex being the biological assignments such as chromosomes, genitalia, and hormones that a person has no control over; gender being one’s identification whether it aligns with sex or not, as well as social constructs that determine how each sex should behave and present themselves.
It seems that a majority of individuals’ gender identification align with their assigned sex, but I’ve learned how dangerous it can be to assume. The best example I have comes from one of my own experiences. While I was in this relationship with (we’ll call him) John, I noticed a lot of things I never had to notice prior to knowing him. He was born a female and underwent top surgery while we dated. A few days before the procedure we were on a coffee date to calm his nerves. While the young lady behind the counter rang us up, she and I struck up a conversation. She casually brought my boyfriend into the discussion and referred to him in third person as “she.” Immediately, she stuttered and tried to correct herself, offering “they” and “he” looking a tad hopeless. I watched John handle this encounter with grace, politely telling her, “‘he’ is fine.” He was very mature about the situation, but I couldn’t help but notice the pain in his eyes.
On the way home he quietly remarked, “I didn’t think people could tell anymore.” It broke my heart. I was informed that he was transgender when I met him, so I had always seen him as man. I never thought about the lens through which other people viewed him, with lingering feminine traits. And there was nothing I could do about it.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned and the most important piece of advice I can give is not to assume. Be patient with yourself if you slip up, and do your best to respect a person’s gender, keeping in mind that it is not always the same as their assigned sex.
