Embracing his actions
Before I was born into this crazy world we were connected biologically. We shared the same blood and soon the same last name. You were only a child yourself, 18 years young and a freshman in college, playing division II basketball on a partial scholarship at SUNY Oneonta. Like all things, that came to an end. You came home after two years and said “I needed to be closer to my baby”. When in actuality you were kicked out because of your grades. This was the beginning, the start of the cycle of dilemmas.
XXXX
My life began on 7 November 1996 at 7:11pm, in Rochester, New York. But you already knew that. I weighed 7 pounds 11 ounces, that’s why grandma called me her lucky number one and only one; but not for long.
XXXX
When I was ten, your actions imposed a huge responsibility on me. This was one that would cost me, sacrifices, time, and love. I was excited, nervous, and anxious to say the least. My life was going to change forever. The man that provided me, and only me, with all of his love and attention was now being split in half. But at ten years old, there is a part of you that is accepting of change. This is the part of you that wouldn’t mind having someone to play baby dolls with. On July 11, 2006, my party of one turned into a pair. I finally had a partner. I embraced her.
XXXX
396… miles that is. That’s how far apart we lived. Two states separated us; three if you took the scenic route maybe that’s why I didn’t see you much after I moved. We didn’t spend much time together, so I often filled in the empty holes with possible scenarios in my mind. You couldn’t make it to my sixth grade formal, so I pretended to go use the bathroom during the father-daughter dance. When I was in seventh grade, I participated in my first varsity track meet. You promised me you’d make it you said. Of course I didn’t realize that meant to at least one. Thus far that’s all I can remember, is just one. Out of the 412 races I’ve ran amateur, high school, collegiate, and even semi pro, you’ve been to one. Even though it hurts to say this out loud, I still smile and I’m thankful for that one.
XXXX
When I was thirteen, you started dating this woman. I had never met her; I only knew what you shared. She’s short, has long brown hair and an accent you said. It’s what you didn’t share that began the built up frustration deep within me. I felt a feeling that was very familiar, the one that stabbed me in the pit of my stomach. The thought of being an only child had far suppressed my imagination. Yet here I was upset, that there were going to be three of us. Why was I so upset this time? Was it because I was so far away and I felt like you were replacing me, again? Or maybe it was because you waited to tell me so many months later? I’m not sure. But what I was sure about is now I had another responsibility, an obligation to say the least. When I first met her, I embraced her with open arms and loved her like nothing was ever wrong. The pair then turned into a trio on 8 August 2009.
XXXX
For my birthday, I could always look forward to a phone call from you. Typically, you’d be the first one calling right around 3am when most of the bars in New York were closing. The slurred words of “happy birthday baby girl” never crossed my mind until now. You called, that’s all that mattered. “I’m sending you something in the mail”, you would say. I would wait by the door for weeks, nothing. I insisted on making up excuses when I was disappointed. Weeks would go by, I’d call, text, and write you letters that would be sent back saying “address not found”. I wouldn’t hear from you. When you resurfaced you always had a reason why or to what had happened. I was just glad you had called. I was so glad to hear your voice, that being mad at you didn’t even seem possible. So, I embraced you. I embraced my father being back and forgot about all of the bad.
XXXX
I would come visit you on holidays, egger to spend time with my sisters. We had grown so close over the years. We were connected in more ways than one; by blood, by last name, by heart, and by your actions. Days before Christmas you sat us all down and said “you have another sister”. Confused and in disbelief I laughed in your face. As always, another action of yours has affected me. This meant more responsibilities and another obligation. Why was this happening? Why did I have to be the oldest? Truth is I was upset because you still had no idea much your actions has affected me. You were oblivious. On the 22 December 2010, our little trio turned into a tetrad.
XXXX
You never showed me how a man should act on our first date. You never even hinted at the ‘birds and the bees’ talk. You never treated women right. Maybe this is why you were given four girls. But this story doesn’t stop here. In less than one month I’ll be 21 years old; the other girls will be 12, 9, and 8. Our tetrad has grown tight over the last seven years. We’ve created a bond that’s far unbreakable than any man or his mistakes can break. Yet, our story doesn’t end here. Now you tell me baby girl number five will make her appearance in January. I’ve never been so disappointed in all the years. That unforgettable feeling has returned, except now it’s here to stay. “Not again”, I keep telling myself as I try to shake the tethered disbelief look from my face. Maybe it’s a test of my patience, I wonder. But it can’t be that. I’ve been patience with the kids and lord knows I’ve been patient with you. Or maybe it’s a test of my love, but it can’t be that either. Words couldn’t describe the amount of love I have for them. So I’m just going to assume that it’s a lesson, not for you but for me. This lesson shows me that in spite of all the careless actions you’ve chosen to make, without the regard for those around you, I’ve been right behind you, rolling my eyes as I continue to embrace you.